150 Best Security Guard Jokes That Will Make You Patrol the Floor With Laughter

Ever feel like security is no laughing matter? Think again! We’re unlocking a lighter side of the profession with a collection of hilarious security guard jokes and puns.

Get ready to patrol the punchlines and frisk your funny bone. Because sometimes, the best way to appreciate the dedication of our guardians is with a good chuckle.

So, ditch the serious face and prepare for some side-splitting humor. It’s time to laugh your way through our carefully curated list of security-themed jokes!

Best Security Guard Jokes That Will Make You Patrol the Floor With Laughter

• Why did the security guard bring a ladder to work? He heard the pay was getting higher.
• Security guard: “ID please.” Me: *hands over driver’s license* Security guard: “I need to see your identification, not your dating profile.”
• I told my security guard friend I felt invisible. He said, “I’ve got my eye on you.”
• What’s a security guard’s favorite type of music? Anything that sounds alarmed.
• A security guard walks into a library and yells, “Order! Order!” The librarian says, “Sir, this is a library!” The security guard replies, “Exactly! I’m here to maintain peace and quiet!”
• My security guard job is so intense, I’m always on the fence about it.
• Why did the security guard get fired from the bakery? He couldn’t stop loafing around.
• Security Guard: “Do you have any ID?” Me: “I.D.K.” Security Guard: “I didn’t ask for your life story!”
• Heard about the security guard who moonlighted as a comedian? His jokes were always on watch.
• Security guard to a suspicious-looking man: “Excuse me, sir, are you planning anything?” Man: “Yeah, I’m planning on leaving now!”
• My therapist told me to embrace my mistakes, so I decided to become a security guard. I make them all the time.
• What do you call a security guard who’s also a magician? A see-curity guard!
• A security guard’s diary: “Day 1: Nothing happened. Day 2: Still nothing. Day 3: A fly buzzed past. I filed a report.”
• Why don’t security guards play hide and seek? Because good ones are always found.
• I tried to bribe a security guard with doughnuts, but he said, “I’m on a strict glaze-free diet.”

See Also – Funny Carpenter Jokes & Puns

Security Guard Jokes: Puns That Are Under Surveillance

Security guard jokes: are they under surveillance? Absolutely! These puns are always on watch, ready to protect your mood with a witty quip. From observing puns about keys to locked-down humor, security guard jokes are a fun way to lighten the mood and keep things secure with laughter.

• Why did the security guard bring a ladder to work? Because he heard the pay was getting higher!
• I tried to get a job as a security guard, but I didn’t make the cut. I guess you could say my skills were under surveillance.
• My security guard said he’s also a part-time philosopher. He told me, “I observe, therefore, I am… employed.”
• A security guard’s dating profile: Seeking someone who appreciates a safe and secure relationship, doesn’t mind background checks, and is okay with me randomly shining a flashlight in their face.
• I asked my security guard friend if he ever gets bored. He said, “Nah, there’s always something to watch out for, even if it’s just a squirrel.”
• That security guard has a unique approach to customer service; he leaves passive-aggressive notes about cleanliness instead of actually stopping the mess.
• I told my security guard friend he looked stressed. He said, “It’s a pressure job, but someone has to watch the clock, and make sure no one is stealing”.
• Why did the security guard get a ticket for being a vigilante? Because he was outstanding in his field of law enforcement.
• Security guards and ghosts have a lot in common; they both work the graveyard shift and have a hard time getting noticed.
• I’m writing a screenplay about a security guard who’s secretly a superhero, protecting the city from crime and chaos.
• What’s a security guard’s favorite movie genre? Crime dramas with a thrilling plot and a lot of suspenseful moments.
• Heard about the security guard who became a stand-up comedian? His jokes were always on watch, and he was always prepared.
• A security guard walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia; the librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you, and they are watching you.”
• My superpower as a security guard is spotting a suspicious-looking person from a mile away, and then watching to see if they are actually doing something wrong.
• That security guard is so good, he can disarm any burglar with just a stern look and a well-timed “Excuse me, sir, you can’t do that here.”

Security Guard Jokes for Kids: Keeping Safety Humorous

Security guard jokes for kids? Absolutely! Let’s make safety fun. These lighthearted puns teach children about security guards’ important role while keeping them giggling. From silly situations to wordplay about watching and protecting, it’s a great way to build positive associations with security and their dedication.

• Why did the security guard bring a ladder to work? He heard the company was aiming for higher safety standards.
• I am the security guard, and I am not saying I am a superhero, but I am always on the lookout for crime, and you are safe in my presence.
• Security guards are great at hide-and-seek, but they are easy to find, because they have to be at the front desk.
• That security guard is a night owl, protecting the establishment while everyone else is asleep.
• What do you call a security guard’s favorite type of music? Anything that has a good beat, so he does not fall asleep.
• Image: Security camera footage of a cat walking across the screen. Caption: “New security guard is on the case”.
• I tried to hire a security guard, but he was too suspicious of everyone, even the hiring manager.
• What’s a security guard’s favorite social media platform? Watch-Tok, where he can share his daily observations.
• Why did the security guard get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field of protection.
• I am a security guard, which means I solve problems you didn’t know you had, in ways you don’t understand, and I get paid for it.
• What is a security guard’s favorite type of gum? Watch-a-gum-it.
• What does a skeleton say when he is the security guard? I have to keep a close watch on you.
• Why was the security guard so good at finding things? He had a keen eye for detail and a knack for solving mysteries.
• I am a security guard, and my greatest fear is that one day, I will have to use my weapon, and potentially hurt or kill someone.
• What’s a security guard’s favorite type of tree? A copper beech, because it reminds him of his badge and his duty to protect the property.

See Also – Funny Tattoo Artist Jokes

Security Guard Puns: Patrolling the Pun-Lines for a Laugh

Security guard jokes and puns? You’re under arrest… for laughter! We’re patrolling the pun-lines, ensuring only the best wordplay gets through. Expect security-themed gags, observational humor, and maybe even a few puns so bad, they’re good. Our goal? To secure your chuckle and brighten your day, one pun at a…

• Here are 15 original security guard-themed jokes and puns:
• A security guard’s dating profile: Seeking someone who can appreciate a long night on watch, won’t mind me checking them out, and is ready for a secure relationship.
• Why did the security guard get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field of surveillance.
• What do you call a security guard who is also a skilled baker? A keeper of the peace and a kneader of the dough, guarding the sweets.
• My new security system is so advanced, it sends me a selfie of the burglar looking confused, and it will not stop.
• Security guards have to be on watch at all times, it’s a hard job, but someone has to do it.
• I tried to get a job as a security guard, but I didn’t make the cut. Guess you could say my skills were under surveillance, and they were not impressed.
• Security guard philosophy: I observe, therefore, I am. Employed.
• Why did the security guard bring a ladder to work? He heard the company was aiming for higher safety standards.
• You know you are dating a security guard when they ask, “What is your name, and what are your intentions?”.
• My new security system is so good, it can detect even the slightest unauthorized movement in my house, it is a little too sensitive.
• That security guard is so calm, he can diffuse any situation with a soothing voice and a gentle reminder to follow the rules.
• I’m writing a screenplay about a security guard who moonlights as a stand-up comedian; his jokes are always on watch.
• What’s a security guard’s favorite social media platform? Watch-Tok, where they share their daily observations and security advice, and make a lot of money.
• What do you call a security guard who’s also a marine biologist? Someone who is always looking for a new way to protect the reef.

Security Guard Jokes: Adult Humor Behind the Yellow Tape

Ever wonder what security guards chuckle about behind the yellow tape? “Security Guard Jokes: Adult Humor” dives into the surprisingly witty world of those who protect and serve. Expect observational humor, relatable workplace woes, and maybe a slightly cynical take on human behavior. It’s a lighthearted look at a serious…

• What do you call a security guard who is also a DJ? The one who is in charge of all the beats, and the area’s peace.
• My security guard job is so easy, I just stand around and look intimidating. I’m basically a professional gargoyle with a flashlight, and a very nice uniform.
• I am the security guard, and I have a sixth sense for finding lost keys, rogue squirrels, and people who are not supposed to be here.
• Why did the security guard break up with the alarm system? He said she was too high-strung and always overreacting to every little thing that happened.
• A security guard’s dating profile: Seeking someone who appreciates a quiet night, doesn’t mind me checking their ID, and can handle my constant need to patrol, and to keep things safe.
• I’m not saying my new security system is bad, but it requires a blood sacrifice to disarm, and it was not the best purchase I have ever made.
• I tried to start a security-themed restaurant, but it never took off; I guess the business plan didn’t have enough atmosphere and not enough money.
• My superpower is being able to spot a suspicious-looking person from a mile away, and then realize it is just my reflection in the glass.
• If you were a security camera, I would watch you all day long because I’m drawn to your beauty and your personality.
• You know you are dating a security guard when they ask, “What is your name, and what are your intentions?” and they ask to see your ID.
• I am a security guard, and my greatest fear is that one day, I will have to use my weapon, and I will not be able to live with the consequences.
• That security guard is so calm, he can diffuse any situation with a soothing voice and a gentle reminder to follow the rules, and to be a positive influence.
• My new favorite security guard movie is “The Constabulary Watch,” the action is riveting, and the characters have a lot of potential.
• The security guard said I should start a side hustle to generate more income; I’m thinking of selling protection… based on my qualifications.
• I am a security guard, and I am always on the watch to help protect the innocent, and I am going to make sure that every person who enters is safe, and I will always be watching.

See Also – Data Analyst Jokes & Puns

Security Guard Meme Ideas: Viral Vigilance and Witty Watchfulness

Security guard jokes are a goldmine, but security guard memes? That’s next-level humor. Imagine viral vigilance, witty watchfulness, and puns patrolling the internet. Think “I’m not paid enough for this” meets perfectly timed surveillance footage. Let’s explore turning those everyday security guard scenarios into laugh-out-loud, shareable memes.

• I asked my security guard if he works hard or hardly works, and he just stared at me blankly, I guess I was not on his list of approved visitors.
• Dating a security guard is great; they are always watching out for you, but they can be a little overprotective, especially on movie dates.
• My security guard dating profile: Seeking someone who appreciates a safe and secure relationship, doesn’t mind me randomly shining a flashlight in their face, and is ready for a well-protected future.
• A security guard is like a good cup of coffee: they keep you alert, provide a sense of comfort, and are essential for getting through the night.
• What is a security guard’s favorite animal? A watch dog.
• Why did the security guard bring a map to work? He wanted to make sure he knew every corner of the building, and every possible escape route.
• The security guard said he was going to open a new restaurant, but it’s a secret; I guess we’ll have to wait and see what he is cooking up, but I am sure it will be well guarded.
• What do you call a security guard who can’t stop making puns? A pun-troller with a knack for security and a love of humor.
• My security guard is so good, he can disarm any burglar with just a stern look and a well-timed “Excuse me, sir, you can’t do that here”, and he is always on the watch for trouble.
• A security guard walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you!”
• I tried to bribe a security guard with doughnuts, but he said, “I’m on a strict glaze-free diet and also, that is illegal.”
• “I’m a security guard,” he said, “So, I’m used to dealing with people who are trying to break in, and I know how to handle a crisis.”
• My new favorite security guard movie is “The Constabulary Watch,” the action is riveting, and the characters are always looking for trouble.
• Seeking someone who appreciates a clean slate, doesn’t mind a little dirt, and is ready to sweep me off my feet; I’m a janitor, but I moonlight as a security guard.
• I asked my security guard if he believed in ghosts; he said, “I’m more concerned with the living than the dead, and I am going to protect you from all sorts of threats.”

Security Guard One-Liners: Quick Security Quips on Patrol

Need a laugh while guarding the premises? “Security Guard One-Liners: Quick Security Quips on Patrol” is your go-to guide! Packed with witty jokes and puns, this collection offers lighthearted humor perfect for security professionals. Break the tension with a clever line and keep everyone smiling while maintaining a secure environment.

• My security guard is so good, he can disarm any burglar with just a stern look and a well-timed, “Excuse me, sir, you can’t do that here”.
• As a security guard, my greatest fear is that one day, I will have to use my weapon, and I will not be able to live with the consequences.
• My new favorite security guard movie is “The Constabulary Watch,” the action is riveting, and the characters are always looking for trouble.
• My security guard dating profile: Seeking someone who appreciates a safe and secure relationship, doesn’t mind background checks, and is okay with me randomly shining a flashlight in their face.
• I am a security guard, and I am always on the lookout for crime, and you are safe in my presence, unless I have to use the restroom.
• Two security guards were having a fight; it was a real breakdown of communication, and they both needed to take a step back and assess the situation.
• I asked my security guard if he believed in ghosts; he said, “I’m more concerned with the living than the dead, and I will protect you from all sorts of threats.”
• The security guard said I should start a side hustle to generate more income; I’m thinking of selling protection… based on my qualifications, and that sounds like a great idea.
• That security guard is so calm, he can diffuse any situation with a soothing voice and a gentle reminder to follow the rules, and he is well respected.
• My security guard is so good, he can disarm any burglar with just a stern look and a well-timed “Excuse me, sir, you can’t do that here,” and he means it.
• Why did the security guard bring a map to work? He wanted to make sure he knew every corner of the building, and every possible escape route, and to find all the exits.
• Security guards and ghosts have a lot in common; they both work the graveyard shift and have a hard time getting noticed, and they are always on the watch for the living.
• I am a security guard, and my greatest fear is that one day, I will have to use my weapon, and I will not be able to live with the consequences, and I will be haunted by my actions.
• Why did the security guard get a promotion for solving the case involving the missing alphabet letters? He apprehended the missing ‘U’, and he did it with security and precision.
• That security guard’s greatest skill is the ability to spot a suspicious-looking person from a mile away, and then realize it is just my reflection in the glass, and it makes me feel a little silly.

See Also – Software Developer Jokes & Puns

Funny Security Guard Captions: Guarding Your Social Media Posts

Looking to add some humor to your security guard jokes and puns? Our “Funny Security Guard Captions: Guarding Your Social Media Posts” collection is here to help! We provide witty captions perfectly suited for sharing your security-related content. Get ready to patrol your posts with laughter and keep your followers…

• My superpower is detecting shoplifters before they even think about stealing, but I can’t find my car keys.
• Dating a security guard is great, they know how to handle any situation, but expect a thorough background check and to be followed around the house.
• My doctor told me to get a new hobby, so I became a security guard, now I can be the police, and not have to deal with the same amount of responsibility, and I am outstanding.
• That security guard is so good, he can defuse any situation with a calming voice and a gentle reminder to follow the rules, but he can’t find his way home.
• I tried to write a song about being a security guard, but it was too repetitive and lacked a catchy beat; I need to find a way to make it more melodic.
• What does a security guard use to stir his coffee? A nightstick, it helps him wake up and get ready for a long shift.
• I told my wife I was going to dress up as a security guard for Halloween; she said, “You already do that every day, you are always watching me.”
• My New Year’s resolution is to be more like my security guard and protect my heart from any unwanted visitors, and to keep my head up.
• I tried to bribe a security guard with doughnuts, but he said, “I’m on a strict glaze-free diet”, the doughnut was then confiscated.
• That security guard’s greatest skill is the ability to spot a suspicious-looking person from a mile away, and then realize it is just his reflection in the glass.
• Why did the security guard bring a ladder to the music concert? He heard the band was raising the bar, and he wanted to ensure the security, and he wanted to keep everyone safe.
• A security guard and a janitor walk into a bar, the bartender says “I am not sure if I should let you in, I do not want any trouble.”
• My security guard is so calm, he can diffuse any situation with a soothing voice and a gentle reminder to follow the rules, and a smile.
• My superpower is being able to spot a suspicious-looking person from a mile away, and then realize it is just my reflection in the glass, and it makes me feel silly.
• You must be the last stop, because I do not want this conversation to end, you are so easy to talk to, and I am not usually this friendly, but your security is my first concern.

Online Security Guard Jokes: Cyber-Safety with a Side of Silliness

Security guard jokes often bring lightheartedness to a serious profession. Online security guard jokes, however, tackle cyber-safety with a humorous twist. They use puns and situational comedy to remind us about password protection, phishing scams, and the importance of online vigilance. After all, laughter can be a great way to…

• I just got a new job as a security guard at a data center; I guess you could say I’m in charge of the firewall.
• Why did the security guard bring a ladder to work? He heard the company was aiming for higher safety standards, and he wanted to be a step above the rest.
• Security guard dating profile: Seeking someone who appreciates a calm and stable environment, doesn’t mind a background check, and is ready for a secure relationship.
• My new security system is so advanced, it has facial recognition, voice activation, and a self-destruct button in case of a breach.
• What do you call a security guard who’s also a skilled magician? A see-curity guard, always making sure nothing disappears on his watch.
• I tried to start a security-themed bakery, but it never took off, the business plan didn’t have enough atmosphere.
• Why did the security guard get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field of protection.
• Security guard’s greatest fear: A power outage during a night shift, leaving them alone in the dark with their thoughts.
• My new favorite security guard movie is “The Constabulary Watch”, the action is riveting, and the characters are always looking for trouble.
• I told my security guard he needed to be more positive; he replied, “I’m trying, but my job is so depressing, and I am always bored.”
• I’m not saying I’m paranoid, but my security system has its own security system, and a backup generator, and I sleep with a weapon under my pillow.
• What do you call a group of security guard kittens? A clowder of crime fighters, ready to pounce on justice.
• An unemployed security guard is like a lock without a key, or a safe without a code, just a sad reminder of what once was.
• The security guard was great at his job, he had people roarin’ in the aisles, it was truly a safe night.
• My new favorite security guard movie is “The Constabulary Watch,” the action is riveting, and the characters have a lot of potential, and the music is great.